just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
