literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
