I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
