you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
