How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
