Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
