I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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