Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
