So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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