For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
