my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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