I am puke
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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