"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
