my phone needs a breathalizer
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
my liver is dry heaving
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
