I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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