Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
