Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
time to smoke my breakfast
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
