Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
