Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
