we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
