First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
we're so committed to being not committed
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
