I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
