Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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