I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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