Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
