It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
