I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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