Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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