I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
