Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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