I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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