Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
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