I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize