atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
