I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
