I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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