remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
being pregnant is like rehab
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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