Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
