I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize