At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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