you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
