I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
