I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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