I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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