After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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