you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
