She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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