She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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