Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
