I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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