I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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