I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
