I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
