Moan for me like Helen Keller
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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