I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
