I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
