you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
she peed on how many people?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
that may or may not have been my penis.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
