Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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