we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
